Friday, August 28, 2015

The Bernie Sanders Schmear Campaign

I, like hordes of others, feel the Bern. Not because of his boyish good looks, magnetic aura or lyrical oratory. With his thick Brooklyn accent, rolled-up shirt sleeves and bare-bones language, Bernie Sanders speaks the truth—raw and righteous and real—and has the cahones to say what no other politician dares: “If the Koch brothers and the billionaire class hate my guts, I welcome their hatred. Because I am going to stand with working families.” 

Right on! You tell 'em, Bernie! However, it begs the question: How are the billionaires planning to bring him down? Just how low will they go to eat him alive? With their vast resources and nefarious ways, it bagels the mind. So I did a little digging into Bernie's past and came up with six ingredients that they might use in a "schmear" campaign. Introducing the billionaires' Bernie slanders.

The Bagel

The Schmear: Bernie Sanders is not a U.S. citizen.

The Spiel: Bernie Sanders would be the first Jewish president. His father was an immigrant from Poland whose family was killed in the Holocaust, and his mother was born to Jewish parents in New York City. It was common for Jewish immigrants that moved here after the Holocaust to change their last names, and Sanders’ original family name was Glassberg. Hoo-boy! Are the haters gonna love this! 
The Billionaire Backer: Donald Trump
The Campaign: With the Donald leading the charge, the birthers will accuse him of being a citizen of Poland and residing in this country illegally. Trump will pledge to evict all American citizens of Eastern European descent and to have a fence built around the U.S. by election day. While he's at it, he'll build one around Poland, too.
The Copy: This man is not who he says he is. What else is Bernie Glassberg lying about?
The Tag: Bernie Sanders: show us your birth certificate!

The Cream Cheese

The Schmear: Bernie Sanders is too old.

The Spiel: With hair as white as Philadelphia cream cheese (and just as thick, without the guar gum), at age 75 (upon inauguration), Bernie would be the oldest president to take office. But there were other Philadelphians with white hair too, namely, George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison. While Reagan left the White House at the age of 77, Bernie, at the end of his first term, would have a longer shelf life at 79.
The Billionaire Backer: The Koch brothers
The Campaign: The Kochs will have their 1%-fat cronies who own the major health insurance companies dig through Bernie’s medical records to find a smoking gun. If they don’t find a pre-existing condition, don't worry, it'll still be covered. A TV spot will show a close-up of an x-ray of a heart with clogged arteries. Pan back to see it's sitting on a bed stand next to a telephone, a glass of dentures and a hearing aid which the camera zooms in on. The phone rings, and we hear a voiceover.
The Copy: It’s 3 am. Iran just deployed a nuclear weapon. There's a phone ringing in the White House. Shouldn’t someone answer it? 
The Tag: Bernie Sanders. He can't hear you. 

The Lox

The Schmear: Bernie Sanders is a socialist.

The Spiel: Smoked salmon is popular in both Jewish culture and in Scandinavian countries. And Bernie calls himself a “democratic socialist” like in Scandinavia, which advocates a democratic political system alongside a socialist economic system. However, when Bernie was in college, he was a member of the Young People’s Socialist League—the youth affiliate of the Socialist Party of America. However you slice it, he will be branded a radical.
The Billionaire Backer: The Walton Family (owners of Walmart—not John Boy and company) 
The Campaign: Full-page ads with a picture of Bernie standing next to a different leader in each ad: Karl Marx in a factory, Stalin in a gulag and Mao in a rice field.
The Copy: Bernie Sanders wants to take away your home, your car, your clothes and your big-screen TV. Can we really afford a President Sanders? He's bad for business and bad for labor.
The Tag: Bernie Sanders. Never low prices.

The Onion

The Schmear: Bernie Sanders hates Israel.

The Spiel:  While Sanders appears to have a pro-Israel stance, when you peel away the layers, it’s not so clear. Though he lived in a kibbutz for a few months in the 1960s, earlier this year, he was the first Senator to announce that he would skip Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to a joint session of Congress. And in 1988, Sanders didn't mince words when he condemned Israeli attacks on Palestinians as “reprehensible.” That’s enough to make a poor billionaire hawk cry big, onion tears. 
The Billionaire Backer: Sheldon Adelson
The Campaign: A TV spot filmed inside a Jewish sanctuary shows an empty energy bar wrapper next to a torah on a pulpit, and we hear religious, cantorial music with a voiceover.
The Copy: Once, Bernie Sanders ate an energy bar before sundown on Yom Kippur. Can we trust this man to support Israel when he won’t even fast on the holiest day of the year?
The Tag: Think you know Bernie Sanders? Not so fast!

The Tomato
The Schmear: Bernie Sanders is a womanizer.

The Spiel: While Bernie Sanders is no tomato-chasing lothario, he did have a child out of wedlock (hey, it was the '60s). Sanders married his college sweetheart Deborah Shiling in 1964, but they had no children and divorced in 1966. His son, Levi Sanders, was born in 1969 to Susan Campbell Mott. In 1988, Sanders wed Jane O'Meara Driscoll and considers her three children his own. While he would be only the second divorced president in history (Reagan was the first), he wouldn’t be the only president to sire a love child. Thomas Jefferson, Warren G. Harding and Grover Cleveland did, and rumor has it that William Henry Harrison and John Tyler did too. At least Bernie didn’t hook up with one of his slaves.
The Billionaire Backer: Donald Sterling
The Campaign: Different TV spots with present-day Bernie and a different slutty, young woman. We hear a slow, sexy song with lots of groans (think Barry White) and a voiceover. 
The Copy: In the 1960s, Bernie Sanders fathered a child out of wedlock. Will he be up to his old tricks in the White House?
The Tag: Bernie Sanders. Just another horny democrat.

The Capers

The Schmear: Bernie Sanders is a criminal.

The Spiel: While attending the University of Chicago, Bernie was involved in many protest activities in the Civil Rights Movement, including the March on Washington. As a student organizer for the Congress of Racial Equality and the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee, he coordinated sit-in protests against segregated campus housing, for which he was arrested.
The Billionaire Backer: Wall Street CEOs of Citigroup, Bank of America, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley and JPMorgan Chase
The Campaign: TV spot with Bernie in a prison uniform in solitary confinement.
The Copy: This man has a criminal record. Think he's too big to jail?
The Tag: Bernie Sanders belongs in the big house, not the White House.

Hang in there, Bernie! Us 99 per centers have your back! 

Related Links:

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Fashionista Farmer: Santa Fe Print Edition, Part 2

If you saw my post from the Santa Fe Farmers’ Market featuring prints charming, then you must be chomping at the bit to meet the Royals. What constitutes fashionista-farmer royalty? Is it organic, fair-trade, non-GMO, gluten-free, cruelty-free, rainforest alliance certifications? Nice try, but no. The farmers must simply display their wares with artistic flair, a sense of style and be farmstand eye candy. And for bonus points, their clothing must be color-coordinated with their products. Yep, I make the rules around here, and that’s what constitutes fashionista-farmer royalty. If you beg to differ, please take it up with the authorities by filing a formal complaint at the Bureau of Fashionista Farmers. In the meantime, eye some candy.

Mixed Greens and 50 Shades of Gray
Both provocative and high in folate, the man in gray and his matching ensemble was Prints Charming-certified.

Salve-y Lady 
This herbal salve seller rubbed me the right way with her originality.

Chimayo Red-hot Couture 
His clothing may have been half-baked, but his shades, hat and tablecloth provided the sizzle—along with the chile, natch.

Multi-hued Hot Couture Ensemble
Between her chile print apron and his hot, red shirt, they proved to be worthy chile-istas.

Earth Mother Ensemble
Her sage wisdom shone through with a retro, herbal-forward sensibility.

Karl Lavender Field
His many products went on like lavender fields forever. He even grew his own shirt. 

Aqua and Taupe Scone Ensemble, Sans Gluten
In addition to baking gluten-free, she gets bonus points for her fully baked color vision.

Beet Scone Ensemble, Sans Gluten
She also gets bonus points for matching. I hope the scones taste as good as the ensemble looks.

Hemp-glassed Baker, Sans Hemp
I didn't see hemp listed as an ingredient, but he still gets points for his whacky vision.

Batik Chic Baker 
What a pleasing pastry presentation, down to his coordinated shirt. Kudos, baker dude!

Cafe Accompaniment in Pink
He even matched the bacon, but regrettably, not the breakfast burrito. 

Which is your favorite fashionista farmer?

Related Links:

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Fashionista Farmer: Santa Fe Print Edition

You think I care that New Mexican farmers think I'm a stalker? That's the price you pay for being a Santa Fe Farmers' Market "enthusiast." It’s been three years since I was there last, and the thrill never gets old. Is it because these homegrown purists practice organic, sustainable agriculture the way their foremothers did? Check. And because everything is hyper-local and unique to the area? Yup. And that they spit in the face of Monsanto and Big Chemical? Yessiree. But New Mexican farmers also have an eye for color and composition that puts other markets to shame. So I’m showcasing some of the print backdrops upon which they so artfully display their wares. And the designers, I mean farmers, are pretty colorful too. But you'll discover that in Part 2. In the meantime, meet prints charming.

Hot couture (chile powders) and dried jujubes (bottom)
Flower power (chévre with edible flowers)
Lavender fields forever
Chocolate, red chile, toffee bacon donuts

Gluten-free beet and apple scones; GF blue corn, green chile and chévre scones

Goat milk soaps; sage and wormword sticks

If you liked meeting the prints, just wait till you meet some of the farmers in Part 2.

Related Links:

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Ode To Maters

Today I am an heirloom
My skin so cragged and crinkled
The one who stole my cherry?
Now even he is wrinkled

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

6 Smart Food Trends to Watch in 2015

Labels that tell you whether the water's been fracked? No, not really, but I have some real predictions for six food trends to watch in 2015.

To find out what they are, just hop on over and read my piece at Zester Daily. And while you're at it, have a Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Happy Farm-to-table Holidays!

Have a latke-licious Chanukah, and don't skimp on the onions! 

May the season bring warmth to all your chilly days.

Here's wishing you a bounty of beautiful farm-fresh food. 

With gratitude to farmers and farmworkers everywhere, happy holidays from the bottom of my farmers' market bag.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

10 Farm-to-table Centerpieces

You can tell a lot about a person from their table's centerpiece. Mine says I have an eco-chic sensibility. Think hippie chick with a fine art degree and a razor. I did say chic. To me, a bunch of fresh veggies is every bit as sexy as a bouquet of flowers. They might not look all dolled up sitting in a produce bag, but with a little bit of fluffing, you'll have some oooh-baby, come-hither carrots.

It's superficial to look at produce from strictly a nutritional aspect. What's on the outside counts, too. Inspired by the juicy couture of fashionista farmers, I created these farm-to-table centerpieces that you can throw together for any occasion and eat the next day. You can't put yesterday's tulips between your two lips. But you can chow down on these beauties while leaving a light carbon footprint. But make sure to eat your handiwork. Wasting food is neither eco or chic.  

Now presenting my sustainable, eco-chic, farm-to-table centerpieces. Nutritionally filling. Creatively fulfilling. No landfilling.

1. Come-hither Carrot Medley

2. Radiant Radishes

3. Posh Squash and Herbs

4. Glass of Chard

5. Moroccan Herbal Tea Glasses

6. Ravishing Radish Greens

7. Green and Pearl Onion Ensemble

8. Pot de Carrot 

9. Colander Couture

10. Radish-ista Fashionista

Want 10 tips for creating your own centerpiece? Then read my piece, Farm-to-Table Centerpieces for Eco-Chic Entertaining at Zester Daily. 

Related Links:
Ode to a Radish