I had to call in fat today. I told my boss I couldn’t come in because I didn’t have anything to wear. Waistbands were conspiring against me. Zippers were not my friends. Buttons were laughing at me. Even the hook and eyes were busting a gut. Leave it to clothing hardware to sink my morale. Did I need to go buy some Spanks? No thanks. I needed to call in fat. I figured my company would be better off if I stayed home rather than showing up at a client meeting and saying, “Sorry I’m late, but my pants wouldn’t button.”
We get Personal Time Off and sick days. Why shouldn’t we should get Fat Time Off? It’s thoughtless to go to work when you’re sick or your pants are too tight. You could get other people bloated. It’s not that I’m suddenly the blueberry from Willie Wonka or anything, but when you’re a small-statured person, pounds are like cat years. People say they can’t see the extra weight, but I think they’re just being polite. To me, those two and a half pounds stick out like whole wheat on gluten-free bread. Why can’t people tell you the truth? Wouldn’t you be more motivated to do something about it if you knew everyone was pointing at you? So if someone asks if you can tell they’ve put on a few pounds, here are a few ways for you to soften the blow:
10 Ways to Tell Someone They've Gained Weight:
1. It’s admirable that in this economy, you’re not wasting food.
2. Old people shouldn’t be too thin. It makes their face sag.
3. Now people can focus on your personality. Say something zingy.
4. Your new midsection detracts from the fact that you need a pedicure. If only you could see your toes.
5. Congratulations! You’re finally going to be popular. People like to be around you when they’re thinner than you.
6. You look so glamourous, you could be a model for Lane Bryant.
7. Soon you can star in a prime-time TV show: The Biggest Loser.
8. Maybe you'll get an endorsement deal and start rubbing elbows with the fatterati: Kirstie Alley, Marie Osmond and Jared the Subway guy.
9. It’s not your fault. Counting calories requires math skills, and obviously those didn’t come with your G.E.D.
10. You’re in good company. Look at Fats Domino, Fats Waller and Chubby Checkers. Now if you could only become a black man and learn to play the piano.
11. (Bonus) It shows high self-esteem that you’re so secure, you don’t give a rat’s ass what you look like.
Then tell them to call in fat, break out their stretchy pants and lounge, laze and luxuriate in elastic. They’ve earned it. They owe it to their midriff and hindquarters. Oh, and their chair at work deserves a day off, too.